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Always

The wounds haven’t healed. They are still fresh in my mind, just like you are. When then?

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Happy Birthday to me.

I am grateful for all the well wishes that I’ve gotten in the past few days. Although… I did wish I had gotten a text from her at least. But it’s wishful thinking. This is just the way things are today. :( What I wouldn’t do to just have another chance at working things out between us…

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Bangkok

Recently went to Bangkok and remembered the bad trip I had with Dhan. There were good moments of course back then… but honestly I was simply not ready back then. How different things would have been if it had been her I was with in the recent trip. I guess that’s the most frustrating bit about the whole thing, I wasn’t able to showcase my good side, mostly because of inexperience and circumstance. Live and learn, I guess. I know my own faults because of it. I just wish I had someone I want to fight for again.

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And then?

In all seriousness, I want Dhan to be happy. I miss her intensely, and it really just plain hurts that I can’t see her. I’ve a lot to learn though, and yes I’m growing and improving by the day. Whatever I cannot do, it is simply a matter of time if I set my mind to it. This distance between us is perhaps best for her peace of mind, as it was apparent she needed it. I am adamant that I could grow beside her, as I am growing now. Mistakes made are part and parcel of life.  I’m not afraid to make them anymore. I know who I am now. Sadly, I still want nothing more than to be by her side and hold her hand and grow old together. But as things stand right now, it is unlikely that will come to fruition.

Ya Allah, send her my love, and love her the way I could not. Watch over her, and be there for her, for I cannot. Give her warmth when she needs it, and teach her gently when she needs guidance. Give her what I could not give. Amin.

As for me, I must thread on a different path. I leave with a heavy heart, but I leave knowing that this is what she wanted. Always, I will love her and keep our times together close to my heart. Whatever wrong has been done or said to me, I forgive. Whatever has been given, both material and immaterial, make it halal. I will always think of her fondly.

Ya Allah, if I could be so bold as to ask, send me some guidance too, for greater challenges lie ahead of me. The journey to rediscover myself has not been easy, but I am a part of you, your creation, and within you I will find myself again. I do not know if I am deserving, but watch over me, as well as my loved ones as I try to find my place in your plans. Thank you for everything up until now. Amin.

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And everywhere I turn I see her

It happens all the time, I’ve just gotten better at silencing the pain. Flashbacks of our time together every time I pass by a familiar place. Everything is a trigger that leads me to thoughts of her. It’s like my fate got screwed with, a part of my destiny gone awry somewhere. But I have my faith in you God. I know you have a plan for me still. I can only continue to walk the rightful path and learn from my mistakes.

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And again

I miss her. My best friend and the one i shared so many laughs and tears with.

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Dreams and reality

Two nights ago, I had a dream. I was at an amusement park with two of my friends, and we were sittinf down beside a counter when the phone rang. My friend picked up the phone and gave a look of confusion, before he told me who was on the line.

Who else, but Dhaniah of course. I snatched the phone from my friend, in the dream. I remember it vividly, what was said and how she sounded just like her. In the dream, she called me for help and that she wanted me to be there. I remember asking her how she got the number, but everything was irrelevant because she needed me, and I just wanted to rush by her side.

The next morning at work, I was browsing Facebook (it’s part of my job. Don’t judge), when one of the groups I was in featured a familiar photo as a member. It was one of Omelette, a hazel brown Dwarf bunny we had decided to get, but I never got to contribute much to because she ended things with me. Immediately I knew that Dhaniah had gotten back on Facebook. Was the dream the night before a sign then?

I was shaken, I’ll admit. Did she need me? Was this a sign that I should hold out a hand. Throughout the day, I sat there thinking about it. And then I recalled how it ended, and how hard she tried to push me away and I began accepting the reality of it.

I did not visit her profile, I did not reach out to her because I remembered that she had made her choice. I remembered how I had failed to be strong enough, wise enough and good enough for her. She’s an amazing woman and she would have no short of suitors, so I imagine she has chosen someone who was ready to be there for her by now.

There would be no good in me reaching out to her now, and as much as I want her to need me, I know that was only a dream. Like all my other dreams.

At the end of it all, I value her happiness. I love her, and I don’t want to cause her pain. It was a good reminder of how I did not have the strength to protect what was dearest to me, and that my journey to be a better person than I was then was far from over.

To me, failing the person I loved most has to be my deepest regret. But we live, and we learn and life will go on. I have faith in God that he will give me another opportunity to love again. Insha Allah, everything will be okay.

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I miss you

Hey Dhaniah,
I guess it’s okay to write here since I’m not really bothering anyone right now but I miss you. I’ve some big choices to make out there very soon, and I wish you were around to hold my hand while I made them… but I guess I’ve got to put on my big boy pants now and be brave on my own. Take care, I love you… and goodnight.

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Decisions

I hate making bad decisions that affect more than just myself. But bloody hell, if I was going to let that fear cripple me then I’d be afraid to do anything at all.

Learning how to take it on the chin and accepting the consequences.

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Anniversary

Today would have been our 2nd anniversary. I do miss her loads, and I wish her well. Wherever you are Dhaniah, I hope you’re smiling and happy. Be well.