Two nights ago, I had a dream. I was at an amusement park with two of my friends, and we were sittinf down beside a counter when the phone rang. My friend picked up the phone and gave a look of confusion, before he told me who was on the line.
Who else, but Dhaniah of course. I snatched the phone from my friend, in the dream. I remember it vividly, what was said and how she sounded just like her. In the dream, she called me for help and that she wanted me to be there. I remember asking her how she got the number, but everything was irrelevant because she needed me, and I just wanted to rush by her side.
The next morning at work, I was browsing Facebook (it’s part of my job. Don’t judge), when one of the groups I was in featured a familiar photo as a member. It was one of Omelette, a hazel brown Dwarf bunny we had decided to get, but I never got to contribute much to because she ended things with me. Immediately I knew that Dhaniah had gotten back on Facebook. Was the dream the night before a sign then?
I was shaken, I’ll admit. Did she need me? Was this a sign that I should hold out a hand. Throughout the day, I sat there thinking about it. And then I recalled how it ended, and how hard she tried to push me away and I began accepting the reality of it.
I did not visit her profile, I did not reach out to her because I remembered that she had made her choice. I remembered how I had failed to be strong enough, wise enough and good enough for her. She’s an amazing woman and she would have no short of suitors, so I imagine she has chosen someone who was ready to be there for her by now.
There would be no good in me reaching out to her now, and as much as I want her to need me, I know that was only a dream. Like all my other dreams.
At the end of it all, I value her happiness. I love her, and I don’t want to cause her pain. It was a good reminder of how I did not have the strength to protect what was dearest to me, and that my journey to be a better person than I was then was far from over.
To me, failing the person I loved most has to be my deepest regret. But we live, and we learn and life will go on. I have faith in God that he will give me another opportunity to love again. Insha Allah, everything will be okay.